The secret to pleasing a stomach: Tasty Tacos

Inside of you, and everyone you know and love and hate, there is a special part. This special part is very important to your well being, not just physically, but emotionally as well.

Obviously I'm talking about the stomach. Tacos strike the delicate balance with both fresh veggies and cooked meats, melty cheeses and hard shells, and a bit of a spicy kick to get the endorphins churning. Not only are they delicious and filling, they are extremely easy to make,  which makes a weekly taco meal a cinch. However, the seasonings on the meat are the most quintessential yet overlooked part to this easy, satisfying go-to meal. Here's how to kick it up a notch and save some cash along the way.

What are all these letters doing in my spices?!

Spice is the spice of life.

 I've broken this down into the simplest recipe imaginable.
1tsp salt
1tsp garlic powder
1tsp onion powder
1tsp red pepper flakes
1tsp dried oregano
2tsp paprika
1tbs ground black pepper
2tbs ground cumin
3tbs chili powder

Mix this all up and find some sort of container you can keep the excess.

A lot more interesting than it looks.

Brown the meat, drain the fat, add about half a cup of water, and add the taco spice to taste. I usually end up adding approximately 3tbs, but it depends on the amount of meat and your tastebuds.

Like this.

*drool*

 At this point, the smell of taco meat has filled the kitchen, likely any people around are salivating, and now the process of putting together a taco seems daunting and tiring. WANT FOOD NOW.

9 out of 10 stomachs recommend.

So there you have it, tacos. Sometimes there is nothing that makes one happier than the simple things in life, which would be tacos. Tacos? Yes, tacos.

A Quiet Sunday Barbeque

Something about our beloved family and friends really brings out the hidden irritation and frustration in all of us. However, we realize that without these people in our lives, we'd be the type of people who live with a dozen cats, become obsessed with attaining levels on fantasy-based games, and are altogether pathetically lonely. So instead of getting angry, get smart. People can't talk if they are busy eating. This is the whole reason barbeque ribs were invented by cavemen* millenniums ago (can you imagine sharing a cave with your extended family??). *Verified fact by my imagination.

I very much recommend cooking the sauce on Saturday and refrigerating it for less stress on Sunday, but if necessary, this can be done on one day. If you are falling in the latter, less organized (DO YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL MY INLAWS ARE OMG) group, please start at the rib section first. 

Does anything smell better?

Dice up about half an onion and simmer in hot oil in a pot. This will give you some amount of time to figure out where all the rest of your ingredients are hiding. You need:

• 1 1/2c water
• 1 6oz can tomato paste
• 1/2c white vinegar
• 1/2c brown sugar
• 2 1/2tbs honey
• 2tbs Worcestershire sauce
• 2tsp salt
• 1tsp ground black pepper
• 1 1/4tsp liquid smoke flavoring
• 1tbs whiskey
• 1tbs garlic powder
• 1tsp paprika
• 1tsp onion powder
• 1tbs dark molasses
• 1tbs ground red chile pepper**
• 1/2tsp ground cayenne pepper**

**adjustable to taste

VOILA! (PS magic = time)

Mix it all up and put on medium heat.

*tick tock*

When it reaches boiling point, turn down the notch a bit on the heat and let simmer. Unless you're in a hurry, you can heat this higher but you need to stir more often. It really depends on how many children are whining at your feet.

YAY.

Once it reaches the right consistency (your call), it is done!

RIB SECTION (thanks, Cap'n Obvious):

Obtain enough baby back ribs for the amount of company you have. This amount of sauce will do fine on about 2 racks of ribs. Multiply up if needed.

You lookin' at me?

Cut up your ribs into sizable (2-4 rib) chunks, sprinkle with salt, pepper, and chili powder, and wrap in tinfoil.

Spice ahoy!

Place in oven at 300F for 2 1/2 hours. This of this as quality ARGHHH KILL ME bonding time. Or, if you were Miss/Mister LazyPants (STILL NOT MY FAULT!), go cook your sauce now.

Don't bother with the oven light on this step.

I neglected to take photos at this point, but after the time is up unwrap the meat, smother with sauce, and grill. Since they are already cooked, the grill is more for that delightful barbequed taste, so they need not stay on it long. This is of particular importance because you CAN'T STAND THEM ANYMORE are hungry.

Did you say something? That's what I thought.

THE MOMENT OF TRIUMPH arrives, and it is truly glorious. All is calm and quiet, there is a distinct lack of whining/screaming, passive aggressive remarks, and talk of medical issues. And while the napkins and dirty plates pile up, you realize that this moment might continue a little further into the future when everyone passes out into a lovely silent food coma.

The Humble Beet

Hi.

Beets are super awesome, for the following reasons:

• cheap!
• easy!
• nutritious!
• delicious!
• RED

After you're done with the cooking, your hands will be a terrifying shade of red. This is absolutely the best part, besides the whole eating part.

The first step is slicing off the skin, which I do with a humongous knife, because how else do you role play a serial killer with vegetables?

AHHHH OMG AHHHHHHH!

Then I chop it up into bite sized squares. Any shape will do, but smaller = faster cook time.

Going swimmingly.

Throw in pot and add just enough water to cover. Put a lid on, and boil the living daylights out of the beets. This will probably take forever, however it takes less forever when the lid is on. Also, keep the lid on. Probably should keep the lid on as well. (get the point?!) This ends up giving you a bit of a pressure cooker effect.

FINALLY.

 After forever is done, and the beets are soft and easily pierced with a fork held by a baby, add a 1 to 1.5 ratio of vinegar and sugar. For about 2 beets, I add about 1/2c vinegar and 3/4c sugar. Stir and cook down the liquid to more a syrup, and add spices to taste (cinnamon, cloves, allspice, and nutmeg are good choices).

Bite me.

YAY DELICIOUS BEETS! Not only are they spectacularly yummy, you now have disturbing red hands and a dirty butcher knife. Let whoever does dishes think what they may.

Fried Fridays

It's Friday! And we we so excited for gettin' a little pot...assium in our system. That's right, it's plantain time!

O hai! ^ ^

I will admit right here that I'm particularly partial to these faux bananas, they have a subdued banana taste with a much starchier texture. They're a bit more work to eat than a banana, but completely worth it. You get a hefty helping of potassium, magnesium, and other vitamins (A, C B6) as well as that much needed fried fatty happiness we all crave from time to time.

The first step is letting the plantain sit somewhere until it's ripened. Black will be the sweetest. I couldn't wait anymore so mine is more yellow than black.

Naked and ready.

Peel off the skin the best you can. Plantains are sticky, slippery messes to peel, and my least favorite part of this whole process.

Gettin' fried.

Slice and heat oil nearly to smoking point in a skillet. I used olive oil because I'm trying to be healthy, dangit. But butter works fine and adds to that lovely caramelized taste at the end.

Totally toasted, man.

Flip them when you see brown.

Chillin' with my homies.

Dry them out on a paper towel. When you can touch them without your nerve endings screaming in agony, they're done! Enjoy!

Righteous.

(Remember, consume in moderation. Please contact your doctor if you experience any of the following side effects: pregnancy, spontaneous dancing, an overwhelming desire to use slang, rash, projectile vomiting, or an inability to stop smiling. These messages are not approved by the FDA and are likely extremely dangerous and illegal.)

Weekday 6 star salmon

Sometimes life is busy.

Wait who am I kidding. Whoever invented the 24hr day must have been just insane. What do you mean I only have that amount of time to eat, sleep, and fit in ALL of my busy life?? Ridiculous.

Luckily I have just the recipe that manages to be simple, fast, and amazingly delicious.

What you need is a salmon filet. The one I have here is 1lb, and nothing went to waste between two healthy people. You do the math.

The pink stuff is salmon. I'm not lying.

Get out a bowl, and throw in a handful of salt.

NaCl.

Now add hot water enough for it to dissolve. Rinse the salmon fillet, put it in a container, add the dissolved salt water, and fill with cold water to cover.

Swim free, little fishy!

The salt water brine works miracles for plumping and tenderizing meat, I love doing this step for pork and chicken as well. However since fish tends to get... well, fishy, I like to counteract it with the acidity. I cut up thin slices of lemon and put them on top.

Pucker up!

Now I cover this and throw in the fridge for an hour while I make other side dishes.

Cedar.

Salmon grilled on a cedar plank is simply divine. It's also stupidly easy. Soak the planks in water for a bit until they're pliable. While it's soaking make up your herb mix.

Randomness.

I can't tell you the combination of herbs here. Not because it's top secret, but it's pretty random and full of whimsy. My exact methods are 1. pull out herbs/spices, 2. sprinkle a bit of each in the bowl, 3. repeat. This is the place to make your mastery of spices shine. If you're unsure whether a spice will be good or not, only do the tiniest dash. The depth of flavor created by many spices will surprise you. Mix in enough oil to make a spreadable mixture.

Walk the plank!

Take the plank out the water, take the salmon out of the brine, and place the salmon on the plank. Brush on the herb mixture. Throw the plank on the hot grill and use your judgment on cooking time and temperature (it should be firm and flaky when done). The plank will burn and smoke and it will set off your neighbor's smoke alarms. And when they come pounding on your door making sure you know there's copious amounts of smoke, be sure to inform them you're contacting your ancestors with news about your new refrigerator and stare at them wildly. This will ensure they will leave you and your beloved salmon alone.

There's never enough.

Serve hot. Well worth the ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ rating that was given by some really incredibly famous and amazing person you would definitely know.

Romantic Ravioli

To make ravioli by hand is quite simple but also time consuming. Good ravioli is truly a pain in the butt labor of love, so I make it on special occasions. Anticipate 2-3 hours in the kitchen.

Just add a pinch of salt and a heaping of arm muscle.

 The first step is to make the dough. You need 2 cups of flour, 2 eggs, veggie oil, water, and a dash of salt. I start by mixing the eggs in with the flour and you get a lumpy dry mess. Now add a splish of oil and a splash of water and start kneading it. I can't give exact measurements for oil and water since everything varies from humidity to flour to eggs so this is something you're going to have to decide by touch. But before you add anything do a lot of kneading first. You have to persuade the flour to play nice.

Dough baby!

Once you've pounded and squeezed and pushed and pulled the dough into a comprehensive shape, throw a towel over it and let it sit during the next steps.

Cheese?!

Grab a bowl and add 4oz of cream cheese, 8oz (1/2lb) of ricotta cheese, 1/2cup of mozzarella cheese, 1/2cup of provolone cheese, 1 egg, and 1/2tbs of died parsley. After fighting the flour (FIGHT THE FLOUR! whoooo) mixing these cheeses feels so easy.

Easy cheesy.

At this time, don't forget to make/put the marinara sauce on the stove.

Wishy washy.

Now also make an egg wash that will serve as your pasta glue. Take one egg and a splash of water and beat vigorously.

I will cut yo' pasta!

Take off the towel and notice how much more relaxed and happy your dough seems. If you have a pasta maker, take it out. If not, take out a rolling pin. Roll it out into a relatively thin surface. Find some sort of round cup thing (or cookie cutter) in your kitchen and use that to cut circles of dough out. Don't go too small, bigger is easier.

o.

Repeat until you run out of dough. Now take two circles. Slime one with the egg wash, and put a small dollop of cheese in the center. Cover it with the other circle and press the outer sides together.

Second! (the first went horribly, horribly wrong)

Realize there is some amount of mastery of doing this, and you will likely ruin a few baby raviolis. You know when you're almost done when you've finally figured out a way to do this efficiently. I advocate listening to music or a glass of wine to help distract from the tedious, persnickety messiness of this procedure. If you went with small circles (as I did) you are probably hating life right now.

Ugly uncooked raviolis.

Boil the water. Now toss in your raviolis. They will immediately sink to the bottom. When they float, give them a couple minutes at the top and take them out. Put them on a plate, smother them with sauce, and devour.

mmmmmm

It is as good as it looks.

Oh and don't forget to give your loved one some too. :]

Hangover French Toast

Ah, Sunday morning. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, and you are recovering from the Saturday night events. But you know what sounds amazing right now, brah? French toast. Oh my dear god. *cue drooling*

So after stumbling to the kitchen you come upon the only source of bread you currently have:

The best thing since... wait.

And any chef that's worth their salt will tell you French toast is made with French bread. But you don't have that. Well screw it, you're going to have to make do.

So here's what you gotta do to make this work.

This bread is toast.

Toast the bread. Traditionally you're supposed to leave out the nice thick French bread overnight to make it stale. You didn't have that sort of forethought. You were busy doing... Well you don't remember. That's okay. Toasting will dry out the bread nicely.

Baby food (think about it)

Crack open some eggs and add a sploosh of milk (or milk substitute, or water if you must) and a pinch of salt (not for taste, salt (and acidity like lemon juice, but that would curdle the milk) will actually help eggs cook at a lower temperature but keep it more tender) and whisk briskly. And due to the amazing amount of calories you consumed yesterday I expect you to put some arm muscle into this task. It's honestly the least you can do.

Fantastic!

Sprinkle cinnamon on top of your mixture (and again before you dip a new slice). Heat up oil on the pan. Now dip the toasted bread in the egg mix. Let it become pliable and place in the pan.

*sizzzzzleeeee*

Fry until it's a light brown on both sides and when you touch it lightly with your spatula it springs back. Like a pillow. A delicious pillow.

This needs no words.

You should be able to yield approximately 2:1 (French toast : egg). Keep that in mind when your "friends" wake up and detail you on why there is black marker on your face. Serve theirs cold.