Perfect Kale Chips

Kale chips. They are very vogue this season. Kale chips are the new quinoa. Everyone is eating greens nowadays. It's super cool. You should do it too. Just try it. Just try it once. You know you want to.

Ignore my peer pressure (not really, you should try them). What really shocks me is reading the so-called recipes out there for kale chips. And then the endless comments/complaints about said chips. You know why they fail? Because they're doing them wrong. I might be a little pretentious, but honestly. You want good kale chips? Listen to me.

Step one (VERY IMPORTANT):
Buy kale. Also, have an oven. Then pre-heat oven to 350.

Rip/cut leaves from stem.

Place kale on parchment paper on a cookie sheet.

Hangin' on the parch'.

Place kale on paper IN ONE LAYER. The more you overlap, the less likely they are to be perfect. Kale is often radically curly and awesome looking, that's fine. Just, whatever you do, don't pile them all over each other. You're asking for trouble.

The point: I'm lazy.

You can either drizzle oil over your leaves, or prior to placing them on the parchment, toss them in oil. For the healthier (lazier) version, I just spray them before throwing them in the oven. See watch me do it.

Psssssssssst.

I know. Crazy. In the oven they go.

Getting baked.

Okay guys. This is the part. Don't you dare keep them in longer than 10 minutes. Ideally, you should check them after 5. They will get a deep green and then shrivel up. When they get shrivelly, take your spatula and try moving a few pieces. If it moves like a dry leaf would on the ground outside, it's done. If it still seems flexible, it's not. Keep your eye on it. If you see any browning spots, take it out.

O M G K A L E

Take the kale and transfer it to a paper towel. This is a big mistake people make, not just in kale chips, but in life. LET IT REST. Do you get enough sleep at night? Hmm? Do you ever take time to meditate? You know you should. You benefit from rest JUST LIKE KALE. Let it sit. Trust me.

Ohhmmmmmmm.....

While this is resting, repeat the process for the rest of your kale bunch. Move the rested kale to a plate when you have more cooked kale that needs rest.

NOM NOM

Okay. You're done. Look at it. Amazing. Now salt it. See, most people say salt after oil, but the thing about salt is if you add too much, it's over. You can't take it back. If you add a sprinkle before eating, and it's not enough salt, you can add more. And it'll be perfect.

It's perfect.

This leads to perfectly perfect kale chips. I've read the bad reviews online and here are my explanations on why they failed.

"They were crispy, but mine had a burnt taste. I baked about 12 min. They sort of broke up and disolved on my tounge like dried herbs..."
YOU BAKED IT FOR 12 MINUTES! Also your spelling sucks.

"I was very excited to see this recipe, but disappointed by the finished product. It was definitely not a hit with my kid. They were difficult to cook evenly. It was a fine line between crispy and burnt."
Did you watch the kale? It's very easy to see the difference between crispy and burnt.

"Good recipe however I found it way too salty."
Salt after cooking. Works every time.

"Unfortunately, these had a very bitter taste and we did not like them."
Kale is somewhat bitter. If you don't like kale you won't like kale chips. Know what you're getting into, think about the consequences before your actions. This is LIFE people. Okay? Don't just jump into any recipe if you don't like the ingredients. It's like complaining about the texture of snails after making a dish featuring them.

No really. They're perfect.